l u n a r k i s s

拿成绩单的时候看到了小熙.
看起来很精神的样子.
但是...没有勇气叫住她.不敢对她说出最后的告别.
有一种背叛的罪恶感.

那天晚上之后樊依晨再也没有来过.
在他大声地说着"我喜欢你"之后.再也没有.
呵呵.呵呵.
要我怎么回应这样的事实.
梦想成真吗.还是别的什么.
即使从来没有奢望过...能得到什么被你喜欢的实感.
为什么要这样作弄我呢.
樊依晨我喜欢你.
我喜欢你.在你碰到我头发的时候,在你抱着我的时候,在你吻到我嘴唇的时候,在你说你喜欢我的时候.
觉得...幸福.
可是.
将幸福作为浅薄的表象,背后交织出的只是,绝望.
所以就算你也喜欢我.
结局是早已写好的,"离别".

我讨厌夏天.
炎热,焦躁,潮湿.
好象有一双幽怨的眼睛,从一开始就看穿了结局.
英国的夏天会是什么样子?
苏格兰的天会不会比较蓝?
那里没有"樊依晨"的空气,会不会让人觉得比较轻松?

在离开之前最后一次看到樊依晨.那天他拿到P大的通知书.
在重复地走了很多年的路口,看到他.
他和平常一样说,"小夏."
一时间不知道怎么开口.
他说,"我考上P大了呢."
我说恭喜.
"还是...决定要去英国是么?"
(不要让我看到那种表情.)
"恩."
樊依晨的眼光闪了一下.
"那么...小夏你要保重.你这么瘦弱,让我不得不担心呢.如果水土不服怎么办,如果交流不顺利怎么办,如果被人欺负了怎么办...那时侯我都不在你身边,已经...不能保护你了吧."
(不要...再说下去.我不想再动摇了.)
"我也许不会去送你了.看到你走的样子,我大概会哭吧."
樊依晨露出跟以往相似的笑容.
"我可不想让别人看到我哭呢."
(胃里有种很奇怪的抽搐感觉.)
"我还有最后一个请求.不要让别人碰你的头发好吗."
那双,执念的眼睛.
"恩."
"....那么.小夏......再见."
"再见.樊依晨."
原来...再见真的是很残忍的事情.
要怎么再见呢.再次看到你的时候,要怎么说,要怎么做呢.
如果那时候你旁边站着一个人,你还会记得你说过你喜欢我么.

"再见."
这是我对父母说的最后一句话.
机场外的天空很灰暗.
旅行箱的颜色很灰暗.
樊依晨果然没有来.不过...这是最好的结局.
关掉手机之前的最后一条短信.
"我等你回来."
足够.
删掉了那个早已经可以背下来的电话.
猛然想起抽屉里的那张照片.
樊依晨用轻柔的手势,食指点在那个地方.
...心脏有种被填满的负荷感.

记得...以前只有一次逃开的尝试.高一那次.
对家里说,想要"住校".想要抛开心里已经无法克制的压抑和痛苦.
然后很艰难地得到家里人的同意.
然后终于以为可以摆脱名为"樊依晨"的束缚.所以自作聪明地对他说,
"我要住校了哦."
对方听到之后一脸震惊的表情.
当时心里充满了复仇般的快感.
可是...一个礼拜之后,樊依晨的妈妈带着憔悴的容颜来拜托我不要住校.理由是,樊依晨死活也要跟我一起去住校.
他一直...就是个被宠坏的小孩.
他家里人舍不得他一个人生活.可是他说,
"我要跟小夏一起住校."
所以他妈妈来请求我不要住校.很荒唐的理由.
然而...我居然答应了.
最后轻易地放弃了想过的虚假自由和喘息.依旧被沉重地栓在那里.

那时候我就知道,自己注定是被那个名字束缚的人.
只是...
你还真是自私啊.无论怎样...心里全都是你的印记.全部...都要被你夺去了才甘心吗.
指纹交织出来的网.被塞满的沟壑.
心脏在被你的食指触摸了之后...填满.

woke up this morning with a awful aching head
I woke up this morning with a awful aching head
My new man had left me, just a room and a empty bed
Bought me a coffee grinder that's the best one I could find
Bought me a coffee grinder that's the best one I could find
Oh he could grind my coffee, cause he had a brand new grind
He's a deep sea diver with a stroke that can't go wrong
He's a deep sea diver with a stroke that can't go wrong
He can stay at the bottom and his wind holds out so long
He knows how to thrill me and he thrills me night and day
Oh he knows how to thrill me, he thrills me night and day
He's got a new way of loving, almost takes my breath away
Lord he's got that sweet somethin' and I told my girlfriend Lou
He's got that sweet somethin' and I told my girlfriend Lou
From the way she's raving, she must have gone and tried it too
When my bed get empty make me feel awful mean and blue
When my bed get empty make me feel awful mean and blue
My springs are getting rusty, sleeping single like I do
Bought him a blanket, pillow for his head at night
Bought him a blanket, pillow for his head at night
Then I bought him a mattress so he could lay just right
He came home one evening with his beret way up high
He came home one evening with his beret way up high
What he had to give me, make me wring my hands and cry
He give me a lesson that I never had before
He give me a lesson that I never had before
When he got to teachin' me, from my elbow down was sore
He poured my first cabbage and he made it awful hot
He poured my first cabbage and he made it awful hot
When he put in the bacon, it overflowed the pot

—— Bessie Smith [ Empty Bed Blues ]